Foreplan

Fairly frequently I’ve been experiencing significant relatively pivotal ‘revelations’ during my biblical reflections. Most recently, I believe I’ve come a portion closer to truly understanding ‘sin’. I have this overwhelming idea and good feeling, comparably related to what artists go through when inspired before they communicate through their chosen medium. My feeling, this idea, the peace and the overarching lucid understanding that I’m experiencing renders me inept with words. Inept to communicate sin as a new word, or perhaps as the word it’s intended to be.

I can say that is anything that breaks commandments. I can say that sin is any unholy thing, base or complex. I can say sin is in unconsciousness and consciousness. I can say sin is thinking certain thoughts and I can say sin is anything apart from God. I can tell you what sin is, in this way,  and yet not be able to tell you what sin is.

Verses like the latter half of Daniel 12:10 [AMP] “many shall purify themselves and make themselves white and be tried, smelted, and refined, but the wicked shall do wickedly. And none of the wicked shall understand, but the teachers and those who are wise shall understand.” never made sense to me or seemed fair enough. Sure it makes logical sense that those who don’t choose God will keep being wicked and are in turn sentencing themselves to life without Him, but WHY is it that way? Is that really fair of God? And who would even want something like that, especially after experiencing the joy Jesus brings?

The analogy was brought to me of what it would take for someone who doesn’t believe in Christ, or chooses against it, to give up themselves as god and make Christ their God? Paraphrasing, it went something like “Would God have to ride along a cloud? Would he have to write on walls? Would he have to give you food in a desert?” Assuming that happens to a person after they say all those things have to happen in order for them to make Christ their God and the person in question says, “Well, yeah, I did say I would make Christ the lord of my life, but I like being lord more” then it’d be clear they don’t want anything to do with God. They’re too proud or whatever it might be to let Jesus reign over their lives.

There is no incredible way I can get the other person to understand this message i’m so poorly trying to convey. For all I know, it sounds like everything else. (That’d be my biggest irk). I believe God is always knocking, but people aren’t always willing. Hopefully one day i’ll be able to aptly explain the meaning behind my meaning, the revelation and understanding of God’s plan that I feel I’m slowly becoming close to. The very least I can do is give thanks, and enjoy the truth I’ve been shown.

Venturing Obscurity

One observed of me that I seem to take pride and celebrate in my differences from other people. I took this as somewhat of a negative inference, as was the implication (to my analyzing) of the conversation’s context. My very first prompt feeling was of disappointment  in myself mostly, and trails in others. This disappointment was in my effort of trying to cohere with other human beings, namely the observing in constant proximity. Disappointment in my seemingly failed efforts. Obviously, there is something being communicated that I certainly do not want. That is pride in my difference. The disappointment felt in the others was from their reading of my language as well.

I don’t wish to be seen as prideful to a harmful or adverse extent. I proceeded to attempt explaining possibilities of why my communication might be interpreted the way it was in the now verbalized observation. To give clarity, I started by explaining that the reason I hold on so dearly to my humor or my differences is candidly because the majority of people do not understand it. It’s a matter of what I try to think of as confidence in my difference. However, and more notably, I explained that i’m brought much greater joy when I find someone that does understand or feel the way I do. Not in just “being different” but more specifically in the ways and nuance of how I am contrasted from nearly all the people I come in contact with.

If my point was received and understood, I don’t know. Late through the night, another possibility, which is more practical (from understanding myself) , came to mind. Perhaps the reason for coming off as prideful or almost arrogant is because I have VERY few people that understand the things I have experienced, causing my altered thought (and social) filter, resulting more in a defense mechanism.

Out of the people i’ve met in my lifetime, only 1-2 people comprehend and relate to me. The other 1-2 are largely more important. The other 1-2 are those who, despite not having experienced quite what I have, or to the degree I have, TRY to figure me out. They TRY to love me for how and who I am, how my thoughts are filtered, how my humor is weird and off, and in reward for their efforts, those select two people have given me something hopefully equally for them, if not more, important for me: irreplaceable relationships. People that I really would not want to ever have out of my life.

I’m not so fatal as to be naturally destructive, but just pessimistic and cynical which is a constant work-in-progress. After being blessed to experience the joy in true relationship then being forced to have absolutely nothing to cooperate with nearly razes my hope to have those relationships again. I can be try and try and try until i’m spent, recharge and go at it again, but with not one bit of reciprocation or effort, my aspirations and travailing begin feeling unattainable and fruitless.

As a result, I try to find contentment with myself, accepting myself (and still improve), rather than cause more needless struggling to try and conform, to get those people that don’t want to care, to care.

Reliance

I’ve an unfathomable depth of need for a change, but unattainable by my hand.

I need a change. I need a change and an experience that I can’t achieve by anything my mind or my hands can do, even coupled with God.

He’s the only one that is able to grant me this need. Not me, Not Him and I. Just Him.  I’m a fool to think I can evoke such a miracle from God as a human assistant or partner. He’s God for a reason, and does not need my help, especially with this, because i’m incapable and unqualified. That ability is not me. It exists nowhere throughout my being. I’m unable since that capacity didn’t originate from me or by me. I’m delusional to believe that a pinch of dust can bring about such a thing. I’m at His mercy because I know I can be obedient as I possibly can, which I believe I’ve done, and not receive what i’m seeking. I know that I could do the opposite or the minimum and receive what i’ve been seeking, and this is my conclusion. If He wants me to have this then He’ll grant it. If He doesn’t, He wont.

Now with some more perspective, I ask again and await an answer. I wait for the love i’ve been craving, the depth i’ve been seeking, and the propositional truth to become reality.

Belated.

Giving up is not my nature, not in the least, but lately, I almost feel and think that if I give You up I won’t feel as if i’m really the main one pursuing something greater and deeper, which is a crucial part to my potential and partial opposition, anger, and hurt. (simultaneously knowing You aren’t and cannot be all the cause) I really want to leave it up to You to come after me, to see if it happens, to see what I truly mean to You. I’m afraid of You not coming after me, and I think i’d be immensely wounded, as I am even now. But letting that part go is excruciating and onerous. I want to see what lengths You’d go to, to get me to be Yours. All the while I know I have failed in numerous ways and still fail, but I always felt that I try my absolute best, and want the absolute best. I am weak, frail, and calloused, but I try to never let that hinder me from You and exceeding my limits. I will continue onward and push past my struggles of hurts, feelings, thoughts and understanding for this, because nothing is as precious to me than You.