One observed of me that I seem to take pride and celebrate in my differences from other people. I took this as somewhat of a negative inference, as was the implication (to my analyzing) of the conversation’s context. My very first prompt feeling was of disappointment  in myself mostly, and trails in others. This disappointment was in my effort of trying to cohere with other human beings, namely the observing in constant proximity. Disappointment in my seemingly failed efforts. Obviously, there is something being communicated that I certainly do not want. That is pride in my difference. The disappointment felt in the others was from their reading of my language as well.

I don’t wish to be seen as prideful to a harmful or adverse extent. I proceeded to attempt explaining possibilities of why my communication might be interpreted the way it was in the now verbalized observation. To give clarity, I started by explaining that the reason I hold on so dearly to my humor or my differences is candidly because the majority of people do not understand it. It’s a matter of what I try to think of as confidence in my difference. However, and more notably, I explained that i’m brought much greater joy when I find someone that does understand or feel the way I do. Not in just “being different” but more specifically in the ways and nuance of how I am contrasted from nearly all the people I come in contact with.

If my point was received and understood, I don’t know. Late through the night, another possibility, which is more practical (from understanding myself) , came to mind. Perhaps the reason for coming off as prideful or almost arrogant is because I have VERY few people that understand the things I have experienced, causing my altered thought (and social) filter, resulting more in a defense mechanism.

Out of the people i’ve met in my lifetime, only 1-2 people comprehend and relate to me. The other 1-2 are largely more important. The other 1-2 are those who, despite not having experienced quite what I have, or to the degree I have, TRY to figure me out. They TRY to love me for how and who I am, how my thoughts are filtered, how my humor is weird and off, and in reward for their efforts, those select two people have given me something hopefully equally for them, if not more, important for me: irreplaceable relationships. People that I really would not want to ever have out of my life.

I’m not so fatal as to be naturally destructive, but just pessimistic and cynical which is a constant work-in-progress. After being blessed to experience the joy in true relationship then being forced to have absolutely nothing to cooperate with nearly razes my hope to have those relationships again. I can be try and try and try until i’m spent, recharge and go at it again, but with not one bit of reciprocation or effort, my aspirations and travailing begin feeling unattainable and fruitless.

As a result, I try to find contentment with myself, accepting myself (and still improve), rather than cause more needless struggling to try and conform, to get those people that don’t want to care, to care.