I occasionally get these sharp, lightning fast pains. It’s not quite a literal physical pain, but it’s one that stems deeper than just physical pain. Memories, emotions, hurt. I don’t have much I can equate it to, other than the feeling of hitting your funny-bone or some other type of nerve. Translate and imagine that into mental and emotional pain and that’s in part how I feel. Most often I experience this by triggering of a thought, and those are typically more spontaneous and harder to control. What’s more aggravating is that i’m blameless in the matter, but it effects me astronomically. These thoughts and subsequent feelings make loving exponentially harder. Anything said is automatically seen through a lens of wounds. I have no confidant to which this subject and post are pertaining, so my hope is this is somewhat a vent for when I get caught up (much like now) in the world of my hurt, emotion and thought. Denial would be the easy road, and sometimes it gets more of me than I wish it too, but everyday is a choice and a battle. Constant Truth and encouragement are some of the only aids that do their job well. I get put into a panic, determining my thoughts and emotions even further. I know, though I may be unable to feel at times and with certain aspects, I commit myself faithfully to love and all it truly is.
After having a very peculiar assimilation of my aged, shed perspective, thoughts, feelings, and actions into what is now my reformed contemporary being, I know myself to be ready for progression. It creates more anxiousness for what I’ve already desperately wanted. These next weeks will be dedicated to readjustment, improvement, understanding and confrontation in the face of inevitable hesitance and fear. It isn’t advantageous having my home town being the limiting detriment. Old meets New. New meets Old. Let the unfamiliarity neither sway my will nor my intentions.
I struggle with helplessness. Helplessness and inability of myself for the benefit of others. I’m someone who can’t sit by watching someone just about to go through something in order to learn the hard way or just watch someone struggling if I have something to give them, something to guide them or bring them out. It’s a curious and intense thing, my desire to assist and guide. Perhaps it’s something more philosophical. There are several approaches I could take such as 1) God is truly the absolute only one who helps people, thus rendering myself ineffective and unable. 2) I can help bring people out of struggle in some way, whether directly, indirectly, small influence or large influence. 3) God working through me, giving me the ability to help and turn them to Him in some way.
With those three proposals, which are relevant to each other and partially coincide, comes my personal concern. That concern and confusion in response to the proposals is this: Why do I feel the need and believe I can aid someone in such a way if I don’t really have the ability (or that I really believe I do have the ability and experience to help) and God’s the only one who can do those sorts of things? And in either scenario, why in the world SHOULD I stand and watch someone hurt themselves?
Is it a “messiah complex”? I don’t believe it is even through my mediocre articulation and I know that at the core of everything, I can’t save people. I feel like the ability has to be all God’s and completely devoid of myself, but again, why do I feel I can help??? Does this mean there’s a terrible lack of differentiation between Christ in me versus my flesh that my mind is muddled?
Why aren’t we as human beings perfect? Asking this question to myself builds the confidence in my own answer.
Biding time sure can be….uneventful. ha.
I wish I had something deeply philosophical and well thought out with corresponding articulation at the moment.
I want to compose.
Being honest with myself, I do wonder how I let myself get into some interesting life situations. I think what I need is more confidence. It seems I can never have enough of it. It’s hard not to get anxious about the call on my life. I want to feel sustained.
I don’t feel i’ve ever made any close decision without having some sort of doubt. Though, in this case, I have to sort out the cause of the doubt to see if it holds any validity. Sporadic, yes. I’m sure, and i’m simultaneously unsure. Digging into the trench of Trust in which im lacking, however, realizing that once more it motivates me to further on. Pressing into the heart of the issue. I will do this, My mind is made up.
Abba, I’m yours and belong to you, no matter how much I want people, things, or my selfishness. I’m aware.
Recently i’ve been thinking about how much i do like myself, how i know what i know and that i am who i am. I know i complain about the difficulty it is of being the person i choose to be, but it’s these times that i relish and love that i’ve chosen the straight and narrow path. It’s the best path for growth in all things, and i want others to have the moments that i do when realizing the payoff and mystery of such a path.
There is a way. There’s always some way, whether extremely difficult or surrealistically easy, there’s always a way. I won’t get discouraged. I won’t become discouraged. My desire is greater and will consume the little fires of discouragement and pessimism around it. I will not be discouraged. I will not give up. My mind is set; I will not relent.
Knowing what I know now and re-reading my posts makes everything make sense. Absolutely.
I’m curious. Was this Your way of trying to hint me to the answer? Obviously, I knew something. I felt something. I couldn’t put all the cracked shell back on the egg to figure out its original form, or that it came from an egg. It’s more like I didn’t even know entirely what the shell was, or that it went to the egg. Now all I wonder is how I didn’t see it, how I could have missed it. Maybe it was denial of sorts. Perhaps I truly trusted and hoped desperately and eagerly that my trust wouldn’t be proven fruitless, painful, or wrong.
Now I wonder if this is the way that i’m to figure these things out, then what can I do to get in better synchronization with that part of me, with my Spirit, that sensed in some way the reality?
Alas, what has been done cannot ever be undone.
I’m waiting for excuses that deceive
I’ll meet you in the back to see them through
