Annie-May’s Elicitations

Awakening, stalked by retrospection
Bleeding borders, desired direction

Dancing precariously, with deathly salacity,
An alluring ideality,
though confronting actuality

Ascend; accept.
A foreign feeling, encompassing.
Besieging devolped beliefs.
This, an affection found not before.

It’s appealing to the senses, communication through naiveté
inciting hope, encouraging optimism and rewarding determination

Coerced and willing, solidify the choice to follow it’s lure.
Move higher and farther to conquer the plateau,
Confidence welling up, finally recompense!

Here it is, here it is!
Soaring high above the mark
Struggle no more, the hardship’s overcome
This newfound force has surely proven true
much better than methods prior used

Cross the remainder and reach the cliff
with hope fulfilled and toiled accomplishment

Cut off and abrupt upon the sight of the forward valley
The efforts drained and fled.
beyond the plateau; death and defeat

now dance with reality.

Georgie.

All things are shadows of thee, Lord;
The sun himself is but thy shade;
My spirit is the shadow of thy word,
A thing that thou hast said

Diamonds are shadows of the sun,
They gleam as after him they hark:
My soul some arrows of thy light hath won.
And feebly fights the dark!

All knowledges are broken shades,
In gulfs of dark a scattered horde:
Together rush the parted glory-grades–
Then, lo, thy garment, Lord!

My soul, the shadow, still is light
Because the shadow falls from thee;
I turn, dull candle, to the centre bright,
And home flit shadowy.

Shine, Lord; shine me thy shadow still;
The brighter I, the more thy shade!
My motion be thy lovely moveless will!
My darkness, light delayed!

-George MacDonald

Foreplan

Fairly frequently I’ve been experiencing significant relatively pivotal ‘revelations’ during my biblical reflections. Most recently, I believe I’ve come a portion closer to truly understanding ‘sin’. I have this overwhelming idea and good feeling, comparably related to what artists go through when inspired before they communicate through their chosen medium. My feeling, this idea, the peace and the overarching lucid understanding that I’m experiencing renders me inept with words. Inept to communicate sin as a new word, or perhaps as the word it’s intended to be.

I can say that is anything that breaks commandments. I can say that sin is any unholy thing, base or complex. I can say sin is in unconsciousness and consciousness. I can say sin is thinking certain thoughts and I can say sin is anything apart from God. I can tell you what sin is, in this way,  and yet not be able to tell you what sin is.

Verses like the latter half of Daniel 12:10 [AMP] “many shall purify themselves and make themselves white and be tried, smelted, and refined, but the wicked shall do wickedly. And none of the wicked shall understand, but the teachers and those who are wise shall understand.” never made sense to me or seemed fair enough. Sure it makes logical sense that those who don’t choose God will keep being wicked and are in turn sentencing themselves to life without Him, but WHY is it that way? Is that really fair of God? And who would even want something like that, especially after experiencing the joy Jesus brings?

The analogy was brought to me of what it would take for someone who doesn’t believe in Christ, or chooses against it, to give up themselves as god and make Christ their God? Paraphrasing, it went something like “Would God have to ride along a cloud? Would he have to write on walls? Would he have to give you food in a desert?” Assuming that happens to a person after they say all those things have to happen in order for them to make Christ their God and the person in question says, “Well, yeah, I did say I would make Christ the lord of my life, but I like being lord more” then it’d be clear they don’t want anything to do with God. They’re too proud or whatever it might be to let Jesus reign over their lives.

There is no incredible way I can get the other person to understand this message i’m so poorly trying to convey. For all I know, it sounds like everything else. (That’d be my biggest irk). I believe God is always knocking, but people aren’t always willing. Hopefully one day i’ll be able to aptly explain the meaning behind my meaning, the revelation and understanding of God’s plan that I feel I’m slowly becoming close to. The very least I can do is give thanks, and enjoy the truth I’ve been shown.

The Sleuth

I’ve taken notice of patterns in my wrestling to understand God’s word by way of the Bible. This morning throughout my church’s “sunday school” we tugged on the ropes of “pre-destination” and “free-will”.

Discussing these topics doesn’t usually grant me resolve  and perhaps no one else either. I’m in no way ignorant intentionally trying to be ignorant, i think, when trying to understand these views (and subsequently or consequently understanding my own)

The reading was on 2 Thessalonians 2:9-15 (NIV I assume).
9] The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie

10] and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. they perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.
11] For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie

12] and so that all will be condemned who have not believe the truth but have delighted in wickedness.

13] But we ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters loved by the Lord, because God chose you as first-fruits to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth.

14] He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.

15] So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you whether by word of mouth or by letter.

—
Verses established. This ‘antichrist’ (person(s) idea(s)) will be satan’s ‘messiah’ so to speak. He/it/whatever will come into the world somehow and spread falsities by way of power via signs and wonders (Miracles from the point of view from a non-believer) I.E. Satan can act out of spiritual power, but that isn’t enough to prove someone is from God. Those who get caught up in the fallacy of this ‘antichrist(s)’and it’s message will be those who refuse(d) (implies conscientiousness of decision presented by a selection of choices) the truth.
Truth being that God IS, that Jesus is his son who died for all and that we are NOT Gods. Those who refuse (again willingly, knowingly) will be given that delusion, won’t be safe from the delusion(the truth) but be ‘handed’ over to their disbelief in God and belief that they themselves are God(s). Those who don’t choose the truth as explained in this context, will be condemned  because they delight in their disbelief-active disbelief of God
*My meaning of the idea ‘believing they’re Gods’ assumes the ability to live, in all forms, apart from God through self-will and innate ability in any matter*

Verses 13 and on is more where I struggle to understand.
Paul is indirectly giving God praise and encouraging the believers in Thessalonica to be incredibly grateful, thankful, appreciative over their brothers and sisters (those around them that also chose belief in God/truth) because they have potential to be those who from the previous verses are perishing, choosing to not believe in the truth.

The wording used, “…because God chose you as firstfruits to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit (also a part of God) and through belief in the truth (God)” generates the most curiosity in me. At first read, chosen most surely indicates ‘pre-destination’–as in God chose those select people of Thessalonica to become ‘saved’, implying the un-involvement of their choice to believe or not. I can see how that makes some sense. However, that doesn’t quite settle my curiosity nor fit how I’ve come to understand God.

After careful thought, “God ‘choosing us as firstfruits” begins to mean something different from pre-destination as I understand it. What are ‘firstfruits’? I think that firstfruits in this context refers to the first Christians, the people to accept Christ’s sacrifice, becoming the fruits of Christ’s laboring and death on this Earth. The time line these Thessalonians lived in is roughly 50-54AD, approximately 20 or so years after Christ’s death. These people are the first generation of Christians, not first as literally right after the apostles, but collectively part of the  initial generation that chose truth–Jesus.

Using that established idea of the firstfruits, it then changes the meaning of “chose” in verse 13. Chosen doesn’t refer to people being forced (regardless of choice) to become Christians whether early in life or later, but instead means that all who accept Christ are adopted into the ‘chosen’ category. I think though, I’d like to use a different word to explain this, since chosen has such a different connotation and meaning than what makes sense to me in the text.

” But we ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters loved by the Lord, because God chose you as first-fruits to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth.

Perhaps the verse should read something like “But we ought always to thank God for those who accepted Christ’s gift, loved by the Lord (be made humbled and be honored) , because you’re part of the initial group God has adopted by Jesus to be saved by the works of the Spirit (through Christ’s death) and through belief in the truth. ”

 

Some argue that God calls someone, and it’s by His strength and mercy that one becomes saved, that there isn’t anything one as a powerless human could do of their own power to come to Jesus. I agree with some ideas, and it’s quite solid as far as predestination is concerned. Continuing down that road, i’m prompted by another question, being “If we were able to choose and be evil–taking from the tree, disobeying God, wouldn’t we be able to choose God?” If we are able to choose whether or not to accept Christ, does that mean it’s something by our inherent power or ability? Personally, I believe not necessarily. If God is the one who gave us the ability to choose, then I would say it is by His strength. His strength that he gave all humanity, through creating us with the ability to choose and also by Christ’s death.

I don’t know how accurate I am, be it bulls-eye or off the chart but I feel a need to attempt an understanding.
Ultimately, I come at this scripture with innate skepticism and a queer inkling of needing to find what i think might truly be there, as if there is something that we as Christians overlooked. Or maybe I’m trying to find where language caused error; if it’s translation or the way modern western civilization naturally interprets  I want to be settled on scripture and understand what was written. I won’t say I’m 100% correct or that I’m even explaining this the way I think about it. It’s about me and why I struggle with scriptures like this. Hopefully my meaning is grasped and received.

Supporting scripture listed were Ephesians 1:4-5, Romans 9:15, Colossians 3:12-14, 2 Peter 3:9 and Luke 13:34.

Venturing Obscurity

One observed of me that I seem to take pride and celebrate in my differences from other people. I took this as somewhat of a negative inference, as was the implication (to my analyzing) of the conversation’s context. My very first prompt feeling was of disappointment  in myself mostly, and trails in others. This disappointment was in my effort of trying to cohere with other human beings, namely the observing in constant proximity. Disappointment in my seemingly failed efforts. Obviously, there is something being communicated that I certainly do not want. That is pride in my difference. The disappointment felt in the others was from their reading of my language as well.

I don’t wish to be seen as prideful to a harmful or adverse extent. I proceeded to attempt explaining possibilities of why my communication might be interpreted the way it was in the now verbalized observation. To give clarity, I started by explaining that the reason I hold on so dearly to my humor or my differences is candidly because the majority of people do not understand it. It’s a matter of what I try to think of as confidence in my difference. However, and more notably, I explained that i’m brought much greater joy when I find someone that does understand or feel the way I do. Not in just “being different” but more specifically in the ways and nuance of how I am contrasted from nearly all the people I come in contact with.

If my point was received and understood, I don’t know. Late through the night, another possibility, which is more practical (from understanding myself) , came to mind. Perhaps the reason for coming off as prideful or almost arrogant is because I have VERY few people that understand the things I have experienced, causing my altered thought (and social) filter, resulting more in a defense mechanism.

Out of the people i’ve met in my lifetime, only 1-2 people comprehend and relate to me. The other 1-2 are largely more important. The other 1-2 are those who, despite not having experienced quite what I have, or to the degree I have, TRY to figure me out. They TRY to love me for how and who I am, how my thoughts are filtered, how my humor is weird and off, and in reward for their efforts, those select two people have given me something hopefully equally for them, if not more, important for me: irreplaceable relationships. People that I really would not want to ever have out of my life.

I’m not so fatal as to be naturally destructive, but just pessimistic and cynical which is a constant work-in-progress. After being blessed to experience the joy in true relationship then being forced to have absolutely nothing to cooperate with nearly razes my hope to have those relationships again. I can be try and try and try until i’m spent, recharge and go at it again, but with not one bit of reciprocation or effort, my aspirations and travailing begin feeling unattainable and fruitless.

As a result, I try to find contentment with myself, accepting myself (and still improve), rather than cause more needless struggling to try and conform, to get those people that don’t want to care, to care.

Current-sies

For roughly the past three weeks, (most notably on Sundays during Church) i’ve been prodded with the idea of becoming a counselor of some sort. Whatever the reason, the word “counseling” continuously beats in my mind at random and with no conscious effort. It just happens. This peculiarity coupled with a seemingly growing sort of discontentment or rather, desire for something more satisfying, in my life relating to relationships and my own needs has provoked my thoughts. With my goal of applying to school for the spring semester for Computer Science (something I believe I will enjoy in some form) I start to rethink my original plan. Is this God’s way of trying to tell me what he’d like? I certainly would love counseling and helping people, since those are qualities in which i’m adept.

Though, after all my wanting for God to direct me I also do have my reserves about making such a decision, my fears, my insecurities and what I think I should be or have now to accept that path. Such second- guessings are simultaneously a way, I feel, that proves this is something I should most definitely pursue. That’s what has been tickling my brain.

Then, there is always of course, my drums, my music. Participating in the church worship band has been wonderful for me insofar as to give me opportunities to play and practice more. Being behind the kit is probably the best way I worship. I enjoy being able to put my skills to work and create something personal yet also cumulative to bring glory to God. I’ve alos been doing more musically outside of church (and my comfort zone, which is quite small) with some of the other members on the worship team. Working on songs apart from Sunday-songs has been great. Being with people who are more or just a little less excited as me to work on music is encouraging and motivating.

My last current passion or dabbling (mostly in thought, less in practice) has been drawing. I’ve been feeling inspired and excited to make myself a better ‘artist’. I’ve never had formal training but I believe it’s something I could do for leisure and get a lot out of personally.

This is where most my thoughts are currently. It’s nice, being excited and feeling I have possibilities for a change. Thank you, Jesus.

Hindsight Examination

I’m returning again to self-expression through what words I know. The time past is just under a year since a post. At this moment however, I write not about something necessarily negative or melancholy, but of growth and improvement, changes and progress. Progress for the wellness of my being (and subsequently those I come in contact, naturally).

I won’t delve into specifics at this point, as my primary focus is to have my thoughts regarding my ‘sabbatical’ relieved from my mind. 

Decrescendo

I occasionally get these sharp, lightning fast pains. It’s not quite a literal physical pain, but it’s one that stems deeper than just physical pain. Memories, emotions, hurt. I don’t have much I can equate it to, other than the feeling of hitting your funny-bone or some other type of nerve. Translate and imagine that into mental and emotional pain and that’s in part how I feel.  Most often I experience this by triggering of a thought, and those are typically more spontaneous and harder to control. What’s more aggravating is that i’m blameless in the matter, but it effects me astronomically. These thoughts and subsequent feelings make loving exponentially harder. Anything said is automatically seen through a lens of wounds. I have no confidant to which this subject and post are pertaining, so my hope is this is somewhat a vent for when I get caught up (much like now) in the world of my hurt, emotion and thought. Denial would be the easy road, and sometimes it gets more of me than I wish it too, but everyday is a choice and a battle. Constant Truth and encouragement are some of the only aids that do their job well. I get put into a panic, determining my thoughts and emotions even further. I know, though I may be unable to feel at times and with certain aspects, I commit myself faithfully to love and all it truly is.

The Purgatory of What Will Be

After having a very peculiar assimilation of my aged, shed perspective, thoughts, feelings, and actions into what is now my reformed contemporary being, I know myself to be ready for progression. It creates more anxiousness for what I’ve already desperately wanted. These next weeks will be dedicated to readjustment, improvement, understanding and confrontation in the face of inevitable hesitance and fear. It isn’t advantageous having my home town being the limiting detriment. Old meets New. New meets Old. Let the unfamiliarity neither sway my will nor my intentions.

Schizophrenia

I struggle with helplessness. Helplessness and inability of myself for the benefit of others. I’m someone who can’t sit by watching someone just about to go through something in order to learn the hard way or just watch someone struggling if I have something to give them, something to guide them or bring them out. It’s a curious and intense thing, my desire to assist and guide. Perhaps it’s something more philosophical. There are several approaches I could take such as 1) God is truly the absolute only one who helps people, thus rendering myself ineffective and unable. 2) I can help bring people out of struggle in some way, whether directly, indirectly, small influence or large influence. 3) God working through me, giving me the ability to help and turn them to Him in some way.

With those three proposals, which are relevant to each other and partially coincide, comes my personal concern. That concern and confusion in response to the proposals is this: Why do I feel the need and believe I can aid someone in such a way if I don’t really have the ability (or that I really believe I do have the ability and experience to help) and God’s the only one who can do those sorts of things? And in either scenario, why in the world SHOULD I stand and watch someone hurt themselves?

Is it a “messiah complex”? I don’t believe it is even through my mediocre articulation and I know that at the core of everything, I can’t save people. I feel like the ability has to be all God’s and completely devoid of myself, but again, why do I feel I can help??? Does this mean there’s a terrible lack of differentiation between Christ in me versus my flesh that my mind is muddled?